The only surviving portrait of Bolg known today.
Some may question why we chose to call ourselves “THE BOLG” instead of “The Bandwagon,” “The Tight Club,” “The Dank of America,” “The SafeSearch Off,” or even “THE BLOG.” Friendo, if you’re still asking that it’s clear that you don’t know sharkdick about history.
The name THE BOLG was chosen to honor Gustav Tiberius Bolg, a long-forgotten sixteenth-century public figure who hung his befurried hat in Helsinki, Finland. Though at the time primarily known for its vast population of the now-extinct freshwater jimshrimp, the Helsinki of 1586 cradled a nascent arts scene, with Bolg very much at the center of this small but enthusiastic group.
A gifted thinker, orator and playwright, Bolg possessed a debilitatingly short attention span due to his prodigious absinth intake, and as a result penned plays that were known as the shortest in Finland, perhaps even the world. The plays were often announced via announcements haphazardly written upon animal skins that were tacked onto a post in the town square, often by Bolg himself. The announcements often offered a concise summary of the already-concise play, giving the townsfolk an opportunity to gather around the post and offer commentary on what they termed “Bolg’s Posts.” This was the start of what has widely been accepted in the historical community as the first “blog” – a controversial term that is problematic at best, as it is posited in many academic circles that “blog” is an unintentional bastardization of “Bolg,” committed in the eighteenth century by a printer’s apprentice under the influence of opium.
Bolg died an unhappy, penniless man – as his “Bolg Posts” gained renown, audiences lost interest in his actual plays and instead chose to peruse his posts, discuss the bare-bones plot summaries with their friends, and never get around to actually seeing the play. Bolg attempted to counteract this by ceasing to actually produce plays, but the public grew hostile, eventually forming an unruly mob and setting his Spartan hut ablaze.
Gustav Bolg, we honor you with this, a bolg of our own. As Bolg wrote about music, technology, culture, and getting fucked the fuck up, we will follow suit, and do our damnedest to honor this illustrious and tragically forgotten man.
My name is Romeo Belmont. I am tall, generally dress well, and once smoked pot on a roof with a Guinness World Record holder. I used to intern for a notable British music publication and now have delusions about my “pull” in the “industry.” I now work in “the food service industry,” and the only pull I am anywhere near these days is when I pull at a lever to make some liquid come out. I am a competitive air guitarist and enjoy Ween, dubstep and the Wu-Tang Clan. I once thought about launching a rap career, but then I chickened out. I own Starcraft II but do not particularly enjoy playing it.
There are five of us bolggers, all of whom are beautiful and unique snowflakes. Here’s a little bit about them.
Master Chief is shorter than I am. His interests include dinosaurs, literature and the Saturday morning cartoons of his childhood. He has never smoked pot with a Guinness World Record holder, but he has smoked pot with pretty much everyone else. He works in a restaurant and enjoys his job. He likes Sleigh Bells (the band), sleigh bells (the object), inside jokes, and puns. He does not own Starcraft II, but intends on buying it. Sometimes, he wears jorts.
Mad Dog is slightly taller than I am. He sleeps four hours a night and doesn’t smoke pot, though he’s known to enjoy amounts of alcohol that would make Don Draper concerned. Rumor has it he once grew psilocybin toadstools in his youth group leader’s house. If I were forced to describe him in one word it would be “chillwave.” He once painted a Neon Indian album cover onto his chest. He does not own Starcraft II and does not intend on buying it. He once wore jorts as a joke and probably has the best chance of getting a “real job.”
Sparks is about my height . He enjoys yelling, Lost, and cigarettes. He eats one meal per day, used to reside next to a prominent author of romantic novels, and is about a pube away from an intervention due to his drinking habits. He and Chad are locked in a perpetual battle for Starcraft II supremacy. He owns the tightest pair of jorts known to man.
Chad is the tallest of us all. He is a ten-year old boy who lives in Raleigh, NC. He goes to school at The Magellan Charter School. He enjoys it there, as he is allowed to change classrooms for different periods. His school goes from grades four through eight – an unusual number, to say the least. He also enjoys playing games that stimulate his imagination, such as chess and risk. His favorite thing to do, however, is to read. Some of his favorite books are The Hobbit (by J.R.R. Tolkein), the Foundation Trilogy (by Isaac Asimov), The Prydain Chronicles (by Lloyd Alexander) and Ender’s Game (by Orson Scott Card). Some of the sports he enjoys are basketball and soccer. His favorite baseball team is the Houston Astros, for he was born in Austin, Texas. He joined this blog to give everybody an idea as to what it’s like as a typical kid.
And that is the end of this post. Check back tomorrow for something more interesting.
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